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my random ramblings about crafts, writing, books and kids

NaNoWriMo: Day 20 totals

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Buffy won out again, as I knew she would. I somehow crammed like eight episodes in before I crashed at 1:30am. But I have serious plans to write today. It’s been a week, and I need to catch up. I really didn’t think I’d finish this year because of school, but I haven’t even been trying. Last year I drove myself crazy and busted my butt to put words down. I can do it again this year.

Today, I also have to finish a short story for my fiction class. I’ve been having difficulties even thinking of ideas that are worthy of an upper level writing course. This week we focus on pacing. I have a rough draft, but it sucks (as usual). I think in between revising it, I’ll work on my NaNo novel. Maybe if I just keep writing it will all work out.

And if I’m a good girl, I can still get some Buffy in tonight. I have three more episodes left in season four to watch.

Word count for Friday, November 20: 27,758. No change in seven days… YAY!

On Eliza Dushku playing Buffy

1000px-WhoAreYouMaIN

from Buffy Wikia user BuffySlayer345

To battle my growing depression (or to wallow in it; take your pick) I’ve started a Buffy rewatch. I’m currently watching season 4, episode 16–the second part of the Buffy and Faith switheroo episode–and I’m blown away at Eliza Dushku’s ability to capture Sarah Michelle Gellar’s mannerisms as Buffy.

Sarah did pretty well with Faith in certain scenes. The bathroom one with Buffy making faces in the mirror was pretty funny, and a few of those definitely looked like Faith, but the scene where Faith shows up at Giles’ house, begging him to believe she is Buffy is uncanny. It kind of gives me goosebumps.

NaNoWriMo: Day 20 totals

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Depression and Buffy the Vampire Slayer have done a number on my productivity. Okay, so my procrastination does a number on my productivity. I’ve been mainlining Buffy and knitting. Now it’s the weekend, and I’ve got homework backed up on top of my missing word count. Sill 27,758.

NaNoWriMo: Day 19 totals

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So this is getting kind of ridiculous, don’t you think? In my defense, the last few days were barely above functioning. Today was the first day I’ve felt like I could accomplish anything, and I spent it on homework. I haven’t really been thinking about my novel, except in how it can help me finish my assignments in my media writing class.

Should be at 33,333 by the end of today and I’m still at 27,758. Only like 5,500 words behind (including today’s count). Pffw, I was almost 9,000 behind on Saturday.

NaNoWriMo: Day 18 totals

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Do I even need to say there were no words written. See my previous post about school and my mental illness rearing it’s angry head. I’m still not that worried, though.

Word count: 27,758… still.

Regrets in Life

sun3

Regrets. Everyone has them. From that time you pushed your little brother and made him cry to the guy you dated way too long to that lemon of a car you bought. I have so many regrets in my life that they’d probably fill an entire room.

My big regret right now is going back to school. Wait, you say, going back to school is a good thing! Education! Better jobs! It all sounds good in theory, but no so much on the practical side.

I decided to return to school during a manic high. People with bipolar are notorious for making bad decisions while manic. We feel on top of the world, like we can do anything, and we don’t think things through. I made the decision, applied for financial aid, and enrolled in school all in a few days without stopping to think of the repercussions of this.

After coming down from the manic high and talking with my husband, we decided I should stay in school. Getting a degree finally would be a good thing, and we’d figure out the money later. So in January 2014, I started classes online at Southern New Hampshire University (the one from the commercials). I’m on track to graduate in May 2015. Only now I regret it all.

My degree will be a BA in English/Creative Writing. This is one of those laughable, worthless degrees that will get you nowhere in life. On top of that, because of my bipolar and anxiety, I don’t see myself ever actually getting a job, definitely not one that would use my degree. I could never handle the stress of the kind of job you get from college degrees. I would crack after a month. So, once I graduate, nothing changes. I’ll still be a stay-at-home mom with no career, but with about $20k of debt.

Now money has become my biggest issue. When I enrolled and started, my husband had been off work for a couple of months with a shoulder injury. We had short term disability through his work and thought he would be back by the spring. Things didn’t work that way. Worker’s Comp kept screwing with him. A year after he first hurt himself they finally agreed to do surgery on his shoulder. Now he has months of physical therapy to go through before he can return to work. If he ever can.

Our income is so low that we had to go on government assistance. I don’t qualify for disability. We struggle to make ends meet every month. The idea that we will have $20k in debt to pay off makes me ill. And for what? A worthless degree? So I can say I graduated from college?

It’s going to destroy us. We son’t be able to make the monthly payments. We’ll have to negotiate to drag out payments beyond the ten year payment window. We’ll be paying off my worthless education for twenty plus years. We will never be able to save for a house or a new car (we only have the one and it’s 13 years old) or afford the things we need. I have ruined us.

I regret it. I regret not canceling my enrollment as soon as I came down from my high. I regret not really thinking things through even once I was down. I regret letting other people talk me into staying in school. I regret the fact that my degree won’t help me get a job even if I thought I could work.

And now I’m stuck. If I quit now, I’ll save us a few thousand dollars from the last four months I have before I graduate. But then the other $15k of debt will have been for nothing. I hate school. One of my classes this term makes no sense and it’s destroying my 4.0 GPA. And I’m really not sure I’ve learned anything. The classes (other than the one this term) have been incredibly easy. I even got a 100% in one of them. The teachers are way too nice and don’t offer any real kind of criticism on my creative writing. I get perfect marks even on assignments I half-ass.

I’m still not sure if I’m going to muddle through this class, wrecking my GPA, and eventually finish, or just quit while I’m ahead. Either way, once it’s over I’m going to regret this decision for the rest of my life.

NaNoWriMo: Day 17 totals

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Sometimes these updates feel kind of pointless–I don’t do much writing. I wait until I get pretty far behind then do a spurt to catch up. I got up late yesterday and just kind of felt blah so did nothing. My 14yo came home from school and we got into the deep discussion about The Walking Dead that I knew we would. Then she got into a huge argument with my husband. I got sick of hearing the noise so I decided to go to dinner and took her with me so we could continue the conversation. She’s the only person in my real life I can discuss TV shows with. Trying to discuss TWD with my husband is pointless as the only thing he says is that Daryl is going to die. *big eye roll*

Anyway, after a long dinner and talking, we went shopping, and didn’t get home until 9pm. I didn’t feel much like writing so I chose to watch Buffy. I’m already halfway through season two (Jenny Calendar just died *sniffles*). I wish I had The Walking Dead on DVD so I could binge watch that.

Word count still at 17,758 and now I’m behind again. Oh well.

NaNoWriMo: Day 16 totals

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Burnt out. That is my description for yesterday. I didn’t even want to write all day. Fortunately, it wasn’t really a concern as I had a bunch of homework to catch up on which took all freaking day. I really don’t understand half of what the assignments are talking about in my one class. I get the information, just not the assignments.

After homework I watched Buffy until 1am.

Total still sitting at 27,758 which means I need 575 words to keep on target for today. Easy peasy.

My Thoughts on The Walking Dead 5.06

from walkingdead.wikia.com

from walkingdead.wikia.com

Among the people I associate with, this was the episode we’ve been waiting for. There are just too many weeks in between Daryl episodes. Rick who? Not that I don’t like the other ones, because I love this show.

I have lots of thoughts on this episode. Who am I kidding, I have lots of feels about this episode. I can’t count the number of times I said, “awwww.” I don’t care what’s actually going on between Daryl and Carol, but I love seeing them together. Every seen is perfect in my eyes. They just have this bond. She’s about the only one Daryl feels comfortable talking to, and she’s been nothing but supportive to him. I knew the eventual reunion scene (5.01) would be all tear worthy. I was not disappointed.

There were so many tender moments between Daryl and Carol despite their dire circumstances. They’re off on their own, get attacked, lose their weapons, and almost die (like that’s new). It’s just the way that it all happened made the fangirl in me squeal.

SPOILERS AHEAD Read more…

NaNoWriMo: Saturday totals and Write-in-Motion

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Write-in-Motion was a resounding success for me. I started almost 9,000 words behind. After writing for two hours and seeing my counts, I decided to set my goal for the day at 12,000. I think I had one of the highest goals of the group. Last year I did 10,000 so as to catch up, and I made it–barely. I remember it came right down to the last minutes, but I made it.

This year started out slow. My husband took me to breakfast at Shari’s to kick things off (pancakes and bacon). The restaurant shares a parking lot with our first meeting space.

Caffeine count: 2 iced teas

At nine we all met up at New Seasons Market. It was my first time in there and their eating area was really nice. Last year we had a ton of people show up so that every stop was beyond crowded. This year–there were like five of us. I spent the hour checking Facebook because I was not awake yet. And everything I wrote got mistyped. It was horrible. Ordered a coffee. I wrote the last twenty minutes or so.

Caffeine count: 1 large cappuccino with 2 shots of espresso (I have to say it was better than the ones at DiTazza’s)
Words wrote: 256

After that we drove to a library near by. We had a large meeting room. There were like eight of us in total by then. We stayed about three hours, I think. It was better than last year where we had like thirty people crammed in a room the size of my bedroom.

Caffeine count: 3/4 of a 20oz Diet Coke
Words wrote: ~3000

We then moved to the big library in downtown Vancouver. We had two small rooms on the fourth floor where the outlets set in the tables did not work except for three by the door. Luckily we had extension cords. Other than the poor couple that had really bad colds (the woman looked horrible) sniffling and coughing, it was really quiet. So far I haven’t gotten sick, which is good–I tend to catch bugs very easily. I hope they’re feeling better soon.

Caffeine count: 1/4 + 1/4 of 20oz Diet Cokes
Word count: ~5000 (total=almost 8k)

We drove over to a used book store. Last year there was almost no room to right; this year there were open seats. Which was nice because elbow room! I started getting envious looks when I updated my word count chart. Up to 11,000 when we left.

Caffeine count: 3/4 of a 20oz Diet Coke (finished my supply)
Word count: ~3000

The last stop was a Burgerville near the mall. I lucked out to sit across from three screaming kids. They came in after we did and just had to sit on the other side of the divider from me. Ugh. I only needed about 1,000 words by then. This actually took like an hour because I spent half the time chatting with a friend I’d been riding with. But eventually I hit my goal. I’d been watching the word counter get closer and closer as I typed. Then I just happened to look down as I ended a word and saw I was at exactly 12,000 so I stopped.

I don’t think anyone else went past 9 or 10k. And really, it was a piece of cake. Quiet + motivation + caffeine = me writing lots. I can write 750 words in about 20 minutes, 1000 words in 30 minutes, and knock out 2000 words in an hour. I once stayed up for 36 hours straight, 26 of those writing non-stop (thank you bipolar). I wrote an entire 48k word fanfic.

Caffeine count: large iced tea
Word count: 945

Totals for the day:
Caffeine: 4 glasses iced tea, 1 large cappuccino, 2 20oz Diet Cokes
Words: 12,000 exactly

I got home around 9pm and crashed. My caffeine buzz started to wear off so I just watched Buffy and crocheted until my thumb hurt (don’t ask).

Final word count for NaNo: 27,758. I not only caught up but went over by a day and a half. W00t!!

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