We’re Going to Need a Bigger Nursery
by jennickels (aka Jen Connelly)
Stargate SG-1 (of the cracky kind)
WARNINGS: cracky, mpreg, general nuttiness
When one hears the words, “I’m pregnant,” it doesn’t usually prelude a spiral of mind-twisting insanity. Unless you are Jack O’Neill that is. Absolutely no point to this.
This was started for challenge #16 at stargateland but ended up going out of control (of course) and was too long. But I couldn’t resist finishing it. I also found I can’t write “badfic”. Even writing something completely out there I wanted it to make some kind of sense and have proper grammar.
“You’re what?” Jack shouted, feeling the blood drain from his face.
Carter had the decency to look abashed. “I’m pregnant,” she grimaced than tacked on a belated, “sir.”
Jack found that to be a little absurd considering the circumstances. “How? When?” He really didn’t want to know. “Who?”
Carter flushed slightly, looking anywhere but at him.
“What?” he demanded, his heart rate now speeding up. With the blood pooling at his feet the increased flow did little to relieve his confusion.
She looked up at him coyly. “Remember that mission to P3X-222?”
Jack frowned. “No.” He didn’t. There had been something in the water on that mission. Literally. All he remembered was chugging the bowl of water offered by the natives and then waking up in the infirmary. He was told it was two days later. Carter blushed again. Jack turned away. “Oh.”
Before he could say anything else Janet appeared in the door to Carter’s lab, tears in her eyes. She glanced sideways at Jack then launched herself at Carter, sobbing uncontrollably. “Sam, I don’t know what to do. I’m…p…p…pregnant!”
Jack felt like he’d just entered the Twilight Zone. “You too?” Carter cried, clutching onto her friend.
“What?” Janet asked, pulling away slightly. Carter nodded at the doctor’s silent inquiry. Jack was aware a conversation was passing between the women. Slowly both their eyes slid to him. He swallowed hard. This was awkward.
And about to get more awkward. Daniel and Teal’c entered, glanced around then just looked as confused as Jack felt.
“What’s going on?” Daniel asked, his voice a little shaky.
Carter and Janet both launched into teary, garbled explanations. Jack had already heard the story but still only understood a third of what they said. Daniel seemed to get the gist. He blanched further.
“Who are the fathers?” Teal’c asked, stoic and to the point as usual.
Simultaneously, Carter’s eyes darted towards Jack—he groaned inwardly—and Janet tried to not look at Daniel.
“Oh,” Daniel said.
Jack was almost as shocked by the doc’s revelation as by Carter’s earlier announcement. “Oh? You two are…” He waved back and forth between them.
Daniel swallowed hard. “It was just that one time. After P3X-222.”
“Ah,” Jack glanced over at Carter. That damned planet strikes again.
Daniel still looked a little peckish. He wrapped his arms around himself.
“Daniel?” Carter asked, placing her hand on his shoulder. Jack felt a sudden jealous surge but he pushed it away. “What’s wrong?”
“Besides the obvious.” Jack hadn’t meant to say it out loud. Janet and Carter both glared at him.
“I, uh… I don’t know how to say this.”
Jack was about to ask him ‘what’ when Daniel suddenly pulled his shirt up revealing a heavily distended abdomen.
“What the hell!”
Janet moved first. “Daniel, what’s wrong with your stomach?” She gently placed her hand just above his belly button, his stomach moved under her touch. It creeped Jack out more than anything he’d seen in his life. He was reminded of the scene in Alien when the little puppet burst from the guy’s gut.
“I, uh… I think I’m pregnant.”
“WHAT?!?” They all screamed in unison. Except Teal’c who just raised a skeptical eyebrow.
“That’s impossible,” Carter was saying.
Janet was still touching Daniel’s belly, her face knit up in a concentrated frown. “I’ve seen stranger things.”
“Stranger than the first male pregnancy in the history of… forever?” Jack asked.
She shot him a look. “Why don’t we go to the infirmary and check before we jump to conclusions.”
Jack snorted his disbelief but followed the others to the infirmary.
Twenty minutes later the five of them were staring at a grainy, black and white image of Daniel’s insides. Jack felt the blood draining away again. Inside his friend’s abdomen were three small but obviously human babies. Daniel looked like he was going to be sick.
“There’s three of them?”
Janet swallowed hard. “I… I don’t even… This is impossible.”
“How far… along is he?” Carter wanted to know. Jack could see her hand touching her stomach gently.
“They look like they’re a few months. I’d say he’s due in about three months.” She blew out a breath of air, her bangs fluttering briefly.
“Three months?” Daniel made a gurgling sound deep in his throat and threw his head back on the pillow. “Oh god.”
“Sam, I want to take a look at you, too.”
Reluctantly, Carter changed places with a wobbly Daniel (Teal’c forcing him into a nearby chair) and pulled up her shirt. Jack looked away when Janet helped her undo her pants and shimmy then down past her hips. When he looked back all of Carter’s unmentionables were covered with white sheets. Her hands were folded just under her breasts. Jack swallowed hard, his mouth suddenly dry. He pulled his eyes away from her body.
“Oh, my,” Janet said. On the screen it became obvious why Janet was so startled. A perfectly formed little baby wiggled and squirmed, arms flailing around. Janet repositioned the wand and zoomed in on the face and heart and spine in turn. Jack didn’t think the blood would ever return to his head. He felt light headed and wondered if there was another chair around.
“What?” Carter asked, alarmed. “What’s wrong?”
Janet smiled at her. “Nothing is wrong. She looks amazing. Perfect actually. I’d say you are due in four months.”
“That sounds right based on… the time of the mission.” She scrunched her face up in thought. A look Jack knew well. “She?”
The doctor’s smile broadened. “It’s a girl. See.” She pointed to the screen and explained something that went way over Jack’s head. A girl? Carter was pregnant. She was having a little girl. He was having a little girl. The room spun around him, his vision tunneling.
“Are you all right, sir?”
He focused on Carter’s voice, the room eventually righting itself, color returning. He nodded. “I think you can finally lose that sir, Carter.” She blushed.
“What about me?” Daniel asked suddenly.
“You already call me Jack.”
“That’s not…” he frowned at Jack. “I meant, what am I…”
Janet shook her head. “I couldn’t tell. There wasn’t room.”
“How about you, Janet.”
The doc stared at Carter for a moment then sighed and pulled a blurry photo from her pocket. “I already did an ultrasound on me earlier. It’s a boy.”
* * *
One Year Later
Jack groaned and rubbed at his eyes. Lifting his head from his desk he looked around his office and yawned. A piece of paper stuck to his cheek and his chin was covered in drool. Ugh, he thought as he wiped it away. What time was it anyway.
A brief glance at his watch told him it was late… or early depending on how you looked at it.
“Colonel O’Neill report to the nursery immediately. Colonel O’Neill to the nursery.”
Jack sighed at the PA announcement, letting his head fall back against his chair. He was still a hall away from the nursery, a converted storeroom near the infirmary, when he heard the noise. It permeated the entire floor it seemed. Crying. Lots and lots of crying. He took a deep breath before pulling the door open.
Inside the room was decorated in supposedly calming pastels, cartoon animals painted on the walls. Cribs lined the walls like mini prison cells and the floor was littered with blankets and small toys.
“What’s going on?” he yelled over the din of squalling infants.
One of Janet’s nurses gave him an indignant look then practically shoved a small bundle into his arms. “I’m a nurse, not a nanny.” With that she retreated through the doors leaving Jack alone. He looked down at the pink clad baby in his arms. She had his wild brown hair and Carter’s sky blue eyes and button nose. She opened her mouth and let out a horrendous screech.
Jack flinched at the volume coming from such a tiny being. Amanda Grace was only eight months old but she knew how to get attention. Kind of like Jack. He scowled at her. Too much like Jack. The baby smiled back up at him, suddenly content. Jack knew it was an act. He repositioned her so she was upright. She smiled bigger, showing small teeth poking through her lower gum. Then she slapped him on the cheek.
“MAMA!” she wailed. Oh boy. Where the hell was Carter?
In the cribs the other babies began to wail along with Manda, a chorus of migraine inducing screaming. Jack closed his eyes for a moment then went to check on the other babies.
The first crib held the doc’s rugrat. Terry was the spitting image of Daniel right down to the glasses. The goggle like device was strapped to the kid’s head giving him a bug-like appearance. He blinked up at Jack with steel blue eyes, his shaggy blond hair already falling down past his ears. He glanced back at his daughter who had just a slight gob of gossamer like hair on the top of her head. The only redeeming quality was it stuck up like a tiny mohawk. Jack thought that was pretty cool. Carter insisted on pulling it into miniature pigtails.
“What’s your problem?” he asked Terry. The eight month old, standing with a white-knuckled grip on the rail, stared back at Jack then started wailing again. Jack rolled his eyes. Just like Daniel.
The next crib held one of Daniel’s other spawn. Jack’s brow knit together as he regarded the larger than average infant. Daniel’s triplets were already ten months old, coming a little earlier than Janet expected and with a lot of surprises. This one, Chrissy, was the youngest but largest of all the babies. She was also much darker with a wide face and piercing brown eyes. She sat with her back against the rails just watching. She creeped Jack out and not because of her obvious resemblance to Teal’c. He was sure she was more intelligent than she let on. She wasn’t crying so he moved to the next bed.
On the back wall two cribs were pushed together, each occupied by one of the Doublemint Twins as he called them. Rick and Dean were absolute identical twins. If you got them more than a few feet apart they freaked out. Jack eyed them suspiciously. They, too, disturbed him but for an entirely different reason. They followed him with big eyes that were close to turning brown, their little heads covered in tufts of brown hair. Both wore a constant mask of mischief that put everyone on edge, especially Janet. At the exact same instant they started screeching at the top of their lungs. Then laughed then took turns squealing.
The next crib on the wall opposite of the first set of cribs was empty. Jack set Manda in it causing her to scream louder, throwing herself backwards, little fists curled tight in fury. Next to her was their last surprise. Born a month after Manda and Terry little Michelle cried quietly, her face buried under a blanket. Alarmed, Jack snatched it back. The baby rubbed at her eyes then reached her hands up at Jack. He gingerly lifted her from the crib and cuddled her close. He tried to not play favorites but when you carry a baby inside you for nine months it tends to form a much deeper bond. He nuzzled her little neck, breathing in the scent of her. She looked up at him with bright blue eyes and pouty lips that reminded him of Daniel when Jack refused to let him play in his ruins for a moment longer. He shook off the image. It was easier if he didn’t think about her parentage.
He surveyed the noisy room. All in all Jack found himself the father of four kids under the age of one. Janet had one; Carter, one; Teal’c, one. Daniel got the brunt of it. He fathered… mothered… whatever five kids. Jack looked back down at the small baby in his arms. These kids were going to be so screwed up.
Just then the door open. Carter strolled in, a smile on her face when she spotted Jack holding the baby. She frowned when she saw it was Michelle. Jack sighed. Things had been tense over the last few months, Carter accusing him of loving his baby over their baby. They were all screwed up over this. Daniel arrived a few minutes later looking haggard and pissed off. Jack avoided his glare. Teal’c and Janet appeared at the same time, Teal’c gesturing for the doctor to enter first. She tried to smile but it looked more like a scowl.
They finally managed to change, feed or hold all six babies. After the adults collapsed onto the floor, leaning against anything they could find while the kids played with the scattering of stuffed animals, plastic blocks and rubber balls. Then Daniel started to laugh. Jack stared at him like he had lost his mind. The laughing grew until Daniel could barely breathe. He fell to the side, doubling over. Janet looked alarmed but he just waved her off when she moved to help him.
Across from Jack, Carter started to giggle. The sound sent a comforting tingle over his entire body. He tried to ignore it but the longer it continued the more it pulled at his heart. He felt a chuckle building in his own chest, eventually escaping quietly. Janet looked at all of them like they were mad but even Teal’c began to smile, the move reaching to his twinkling eyes.
“We are… so… messed up,” Daniel gasped through laughs and gulps of air. “Just look at us.” He pulled himself upright. One of the twins—Jack could never tell them apart—crawled into Daniel’s lap, clapping at his father’s amusement. Daniel hugged him tight and glanced over at Jack. Jack felt a lump grow in his throat. Messed up didn’t even begin to describe it. He looked down at little Michelle laying across his chest, her head up under his chin. He gently rubbed her back. Daniel gave him an almost wistful look before turning his gaze towards Janet. She was still eying him like he was a few cards shy of a full deck.
Carter sighed, finally catching her breath. “This has got to be the craziest family I’ve ever seen.”
They all looked over at Teal’c sitting cross legged on the floor, Crissy next to him with a matching expression. Jack was almost sure the little girl would repeat the large man’s response but she simply raised an eyebrow. The other four people in the room fell over in fits of laughter. Messed up and perfect all at the same time.