I almost considered not writing this post. Then I decided it might be a good way to highlight one of the difficult hurdles in my life. Depression.
The last couple weeks, it’s been getting worse. This is not good news, especially for my writing. When I’m depressed, I don’t want to do anything. Sometimes, I just stare at the wall, lost in my own dark, swirling thoughts. Usually I get on Facebook and read stupid articles and even stupider comment threads. Or play Candy Crush. Mindless things. The last thing I want to do is write. It’s like the depression squeezes off the flow of creativity in my brain.
And, as it often does with depression, not being able to write makes me more depressed. It’s a vicious cycle that is hard to escape. So far, I’ve managed to continue writing every day. I’ve written in my journal which doesn’t always help with my mood, and I’ve managed to add words to WIPs. Sometimes nothing more than twenty. But those are twenty words I didn’t have before.
Why am I saying all of this? No real reason. I just thought I’d mention what a struggle this past week was. I feel like I got nothing done, but looking over the stats, I’m surprised at the number of words I have. So maybe the failure is more in my head–the depression whispering sweet nothingness in my ear.
My goal was 100 words each day. According to my spreadsheet I have over 2,000 words not including today (since I haven’t written yet). Well, that’s impressive. Except only about 60 of them are editing words. That’s fine. The rest are words added to WIPs. I guess I get to give myself an A+ even though it doesn’t feel like I got anything done.
Editing. This is where my failure shows. The goal is one hour each day. I believe my grand total for the week is about 47 minutes. Forty-seven of 420 minutes. F- – – Lack of editing means lack of posting things. Of course, someone might look at my blog and be like, “what are you talking about? There are two new stories posted this week.”
Ah, yes there are. Except they were both finished last week and only scheduled to post this week. Oh well.
I’m going to have to give myself a C- for the week (those extra minuses on the F really pulled things down).
The problem with depression is that is sucks up all of your energy, and for me, my creativity. On the other hand, it also lies to you and tells you that you suck at everything and are failing. My perception of last week was a lot more distorted than I expected. Either way, I still feel like I failed. Guess that means the depression is winning?
But on to next week which will hopefully be better. Here’s to those that keep trying despite the pain and exhaustion and despair.
Total words this week: 2,192 (not including today)
Total hours editing this week: <1