I swear, my life has been one ordeal after another for months now, and it’s starting to wear on me. As if dealing with my health and failing mental health isn’t hard enough. It’s gotten to the point where I’m like, “what else could go wrong,” then instantly regretting thinking that because you know it’s going to mean something else will go wrong.
So much has happened that I can barely remember it all so I checked my journal and jotted down everything since the end of October just to show I’m not exaggerating anything.
Here’s the list:
- 10/26 – was trying to finish Halloween costumes but my scissors weren’t working so my husband “sharpened” them for me and now none of the scissors in the house cut anything
- 10/27 – our 19yo decided to move back home with her baby and got mad that we wouldn’t drop everything to do it that second (we did help her later that night which meant also moving our other daughters back in a room together)
- 10/28 – one of the tires on our van is flat
- 10/29 – Parent-Teacher conference for our 9yo (not bad, just stressful for me because of anxiety)
- 10/30 – nearly broke my sewing machine but managed to fix it (just bought this thing to replace my mom’s I’d been using for 19 years)
- 10/31 – Halloween filled with finishing costumes, cooking a hot dinner while everyone was out and babysitting so the oldest could go to a party
- 11/1 – had to get a new tire for the car (money taken from the grocery fund)
- 11/2 – 19yo’s boyfriend broke up with her causing all sorts of drama
- 11/8 – husband has surgery on his arm and later that day, because I was fatigued from lack of sleep, my bad health and stress, I backed into some poor guy’s truck in the parking lot of Walgreens (luckily there wasn’t any significant damage to either car but my nerves were shot); it was also the middle daughter’s 17th birthday
- 11/9 – the right shift key on my keyboard stopped working, and since I taught myself to type, it’s the only one I used (had to retrain my hands to use the other shift key and it was ugh)
- 11/11 – a lady from CPS (child protective services) stopped by to let us know someone reported us for neglect because our 9yo sleeps in the cold garage, we have no food and his clothes don’t fit him (lovely)
- 11/12 – garbage disposal breaks and since the dishwasher drains into the garbage disposal, it’s an actual issue
- 11/15 – the dryer stops drying (this was luckily fixed by cleaning a bird’s nest out of the vent but it was a super big ordeal)
- 11/18 – the lady from CPS visits which went well since we obviously had food and we’d ordered a heater for the garage (of course the 9yo was always welcome to sleep in the house if he was too cold); also one of the nose pads on my glasses broke but we can’t afford to get new frames
- 11/21 – had to drive my husband into Portland for a follow up to his surgery (ugh) then get home and get a court summons for something (I didn’t ask because I can’t deal with more anxiety)
- 11/26 – as we were driving home from the 19yo taking her driving permit test, we get rearended–the damage was minimal but the bumper was scrunched up so we couldn’t open the rear door of the van
- 11/28 – Thanksgiving–my brother, his girlfriend and their dog came over along with the 19yo’s ex-boyfriend (he left before dinner was finished, though)
- 11/29 – 18yo son informed me that his inhaler was nearly empty and I found out Medicaid put the wrong doctor office on the kids’ insurance cards (we lost our main insurance in October)–the office they listed was 2 hours away
- 12/3 – took our van to the shop to be fixed and are given a 2020 Chrysler Pacifica as a rental (and I thought our 2016 Town & Country was fancy)
- 12/4 – my printer stopped working and I just bought this last year (ugh); son’s doctor appointment went well, though, after my husband sorted out the insurance on 12/2
- 12/6 – the microwave over the stove breaks (thankfully we have our old countertop microwave from our old house)
- 12/10 – the monitor for the desktop computer isn’t working which is a problem because the 17yo goes to school online and needs to do homework so I have to share my laptop with her
- 12/13 – my birthday; also have to go pick up our van from the shop and go grocery shopping (fun day)
- 12/14 – my driver’s license has expired because we didn’t have the $54 to renew it yesterday
It’s been pretty much non-stop with stress-inducers coming every few days. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed because I’m afraid of what else is going to happen. But if I’m lying in bed, there’s nothing to distract me from the anxiety so I force myself up and stare at the computer screen.
I did almost no writing for NaNo last month. My total was 701 words written over two different days.
Now I’m struggling to deal with the depression and anxiety surrounding the holidays. Between my husband not working and all of these things going wrong, there’s no money for Christmas. I’m hoping to use the money my dad sent for my birthday to buy some stuff at Dollar Tree (snacks and shampoo) to put in stockings and I’m rushing to try and finish crocheting some small gifts, but I don’t think I’ll have time to do one for each kid.
I hate this time of year, but this year has been extra depressing.