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Archive for the tag “family”

Day 70 of Isolation: Family Dinner

My oldest daughter decided to cook dinner for the family. She can’t really cook, but at least she wanted to try, I guess. I was not home when said cooking was being done.

When we got back from grocery shopping, I was worn out and looking forward to sitting down in my quiet room with a bowl of leftover chicken and rice, but my daughter wanted us all to sit at the table.

We never eat that the table except for holidays because it always ends in arguments (with or without yelling). It’s emotionally and mentally exhausting for me, and I almost never enjoy the meal because I’m stressed out. But after her blow-up yesterday, I felt obligated to join.

Despite my already bad mood because of depression and the fight yesterday, I tried to participate in a family thing. I even ate her food. It’s not that I didn’t trust it or anything, I just really had a taste for my rice. She made chicken wraps with some kind of cilantro-lime sauce and my black bean & corn salsa.

It turned out surprisingly well. I probably would have added rice to the chicken to make it go farther. She ended up cooking three of my six chicken breasts I had left. Those had to last us until… who knows when. Now we’re almost out of meat. I wanted to cry when I found that out, but held it together.

The best part was Jack actually ate two of the wraps, and he normally hates flour tortillas (says he doesn’t like the texture) and liked the sauce and even the avocados. The baby did not like the avocados but enjoyed mixing the sauce in with some of my leftover rice and the chicken from the wraps.

I think it was a little easier to enjoy the meal when I didn’t have to spend two hours cooking first. I even helped clean up when normally, I retreat to my room as soon as we’re done eating because I’m barely awake at that point. My daughter, on the other hand, was super tired and stressed and finally understood why I don’t eat with the family. Usually, I’m not even hungry by the time I finish cooking (especially on holidays).

Anyway, I’ll have to get her to write down her sauce recipe to add to the tin.

I’m also guessing we’re going to be having more family meals because she thinks that’s what’s wrong with the family (they just don’t really work for us, but I guess we can try once a week or something).

Day 61 of Isolation: Needing a Break From Reality

Reality sucks right now.

That’s an actual understatement if ever I’ve heard one. But it’s hard to escape reality at the best of times. With the upending of civilized society and pending economic doom on the horizon, it’s hard to even relax. Stress and anxiety follow you everywhere.

I need a break from it all. My constant state of anxiety is not helping my blood pressure and is only adding to my crippling depression. And the number one instigator is Facebook. The more I’m on the site, the more down and anxious I get.

But I can’t seem to step away like I have in the past. I pretty much stayed off of the site all of 2018 because it was making my depression worse. I would get on periodically to see if anything was going on with my family but then get right back off without posting anything. I only started posting again in 2019 as the measles outbreak happened and then to keep family updated on my daughter’s pregnancy.

Mostly now I just sit all day reading posts about the world falling apart and feeling worse and worse with each one. It’s become ritual with the pandemic to get on every morning to see if things have gotten worse than expected. It made sense in the early days to keep up-to-date on infection rates and closures, but now…

It’s the same thing every day. More infected, more death, more people being stupid. The worst part is seeing posts from my extended family that make me sick. Anti-vax, pro-gun, pro-Trump, pro-fuck-everyone-else-I-want-a-haircut. I’ve lost respect for all of them. Seeing their posts just… it makes the depression worse because I can’t go back to seeing them the same way now that I know they are so self-centered and uncaring about their fellow humans.

I need a break. I need to step away from Facebook at the least, but it’s hard when there’s also nothing else to do all day. I get bored easily and always go back. I have started to “unfollow” family members that are making things worse for me. They are still on my friend’s list and can still see stuff I post, but I don’t see their idiotic pro-Trump, god-bothering, gun-loving posts. I guess that’s a start.

I’m going to make an effort to stay off Facebook and find other things to do. I need to find a new reality.

Day 31 of Isolation: A Month in Review

I can say, without a doubt, this has been the strangest month of my life. Never would I have thought that my natural tendencies to isolate thanks to social anxiety and being an introvert would actually come in handy someday. But here we are, and I’m living it up, lol. No more pressure to go out and do things and being forced to interact with people because being social is the acceptable format of life.

On the other hand, I’m isolated with six other people, and it’s starting to weigh on me. It’s noisy and chaotic, and I thought I was done with this kind of pandemonium when my kids became teens and were no longer around all of the time. Now they’re (almost) all home all of the time.

Anyway, we’ve been isolating for a month now. The kids haven’t been in school since March 13. That was also the last time I was at a store or went anywhere besides walking around the neighborhood. I waited in line to check out for almost an hour that day and managed to snag one of the last packages of toilet paper (which we are currently coming to end with right now–this was back up for when our regular supply ran out but we managed to make it last longer than I expected).

Since then, I’ve driven to that store twice, but didn’t go inside. Otherwise, I’ve been at home. I’ve walked around the neighborhood on four different days, never getting more than a few blocks from our house.

I painted rocks with the kids which is something I haven’t done in years because I haven’t had the energy, but with nothing else to do, managed to drag out the paints and harvest some rocks from the landscaping.

Those rocks were hidden around the neighborhood on our walks. It’s a little extra motivation to actually get out. Not sure if any have been found. They were all still there last time I checked (on Easter).


I did find two, including this one which made my day. I absolutely love finding rocks painted by little hands. They are the best rocks. This and its sibling joined our collection we’ve had going for four years. Not sure if I’ll ever release it back into the wild. Sometimes we do, but some of them we’ve kept because we love them so much.

I’ve spent a lot of time working on other craft projects because I have nothing else to do with my time. I’ve crocheted a bunch of washcloths out of scrap cotton  yarn in case we run out of paper towels. I’ve made baby blankets and keep adding to a throw blanket I’m making for myself (that won’t be finished any time soon because I’m nearly out of yarn and craft stores are closed).

And since I am running so low on yarn and officials are now recommending everyone cover their faces in public, I broke out the sewing machine and my old quilting supplies to make masks for the family.

We’ve celebrated a birthday and Easter stuck in this house together. I filled out the census and helped my 19yo shave off all of her hair to cope with her anxiety and also got part of my Girl Genius Kickstarter I helped fund (my first and only Kickstarter so far). I can’t wait for the rest of it to arrive.


And now my grandson is starting to walk! Of course, every time we’ve tried to get video or pictures of it, he sits down. He took his first official steps on Easter. Now he occasionally walks four or five steps across the room before he realizes what he’s doing and stops. He turned ten-months on the 7th. My daughter asked how long before he’s actually walking, and I told her by the end of the week probably. We’re going to be in so much trouble.



chiliskilletOther than that, I’ve kept busy with cooking dinner most nights (often making up new recipes as I go with what we have on hand), watching Netflix (got through Lost in Space and Another Life), and now playing board games online since I can never seem to coordinate with the kids to play actual board games with them.

Of course, not everything has been great. We’re still under a lot of stress and worry about the virus and money. Right now my husband is still working. So we have money for food (unlike some people), but with a constant worry of him bringing this home every day he works. And with my health, that could be very bad. I haven’t been sleeping well because of chronic insomnia and anxiety (which I’m out of medication for).

jack_040620The kids officially started digital schooling last week as the buildings are closed for the rest of the year now which is another headache added to my life. It’s necessary, but there’s a reason I didn’t homeschool my kids. I just don’t have the energy for all of this.

The past month has been completely strange, and yet, oddly the same as always for us. And it’s just the first month. I’m sure the next month will be more of the same dichotomy of strange but the same. The kids aren’t going back to school. Graduations (I have a senior and an 8th grader) are up in the air. Summer might be spent in isolation and even I’m starting to go stir crazy.

I’m sure 2020 will go down as the craziest year of my life.


Day 30 of Isolation: Happy Easter!


We’re not a religious family and don’t actually celebrate Easter anymore, but it’s an excuse to make ham and bring out the good dishes and we actually sat down at the dining room table for once.

The food turned out delicious and it all finished just as my husband walked in the door from work. I wasn’t even expecting him at that time (he was supposed to be home around 9pm). I just decided to do a late dinner at around 7 so the food wouldn’t be sitting there all day before he got home. It just worked out perfectly.

Although I don’t do baskets and eggs for the kids anymore, my oldest did get some stuff for her son (and her little brother who is nine). Just some plastic eggs she filled with yogurt bites and Cheerios. There were also stuffed llamas, bucket hats and some “meeps” (little pom-pom creatures that they made this morning).

Here’s Arrow discovering his llamas and his first egg (which is actually shaped like a carrot). He had fun bashing the llamas together and beating the eggs until they opened and revealed their treats. And then he stuffed himself with ham, mashed potatoes, veggies, and baked beans. He went to bed a very happy baby.

Day 21 of Isolation: Same Old, Same Old

Yesterday, a cousin put up a meme thing on Facebook about jobs you’ve had in the past, challenging people to pick the only one that isn’t true. You had to name ten jobs total (nine you did, one you didn’t). I commented back that I haven’t even had nine jobs in my entire life.

I’m a stay-at-home mom. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for twenty years now. I quit my job in March 2000 while I was pregnant with my first child because I couldn’t deal with the constant feeling of being ready to throw up while working around raw fish and meat all day. I never went back.

That got me thinking about how things haven’t really changed much for me with this “Stay Home, Stay Healthy” order in my state. Other people are lamenting not being able to go out, go shopping, go to work, hang with friends or whatever, but my life is pretty much as it’s always been. The only difference is my kids are home all of the time. But there are times during the year where that’s pretty normal, too (winter break, parts of summer, some weekends).

Really, not much as changed. I get up when I feel like it, play on Facebook, crochet, cook dinner and go to bed whenever. The school district here hasn’t started online lessons yet so I let the kids just do whatever because I don’t have the energy to enforce some kind of homework. And even when school does start on Monday, I doubt it will be much different than now. My chronic fatigue means I can’t really handle that kind of hands-on parenting anymore. I’m sure my teens will help keep my 9yo on track with school.

So, it’s been weird reading about my friends losing their minds because they’re stuck inside with the kids all day. Or about people’s pets getting annoyed by them being home all of the time. Things are just so… normal here. last year. Having him gone most of the time is still strange.


New Addition

Finally got some cute pictures to post of the newest family addition.

Introducing Arrow Finnegan…


Born June 7 at 12:47am. 7lbs, 3oz; 19″ long.


His daddy just adores him. Totally wrapped around his little fingers (just like grampa but totally not gramma, not at all).


Mom did great. Eighteen-years-old, and she made it look easy. Started induction at 10pm on the 5th, got the epidural around noon on the 6th, started pushing at 11:10pm, and he was born an hour and a half later. She’s a great mom–I’m so proud of her.

We finally broke down and got me a new phone. I’ve had the same one since 2013, and it’s been mostly unusable for the last two years with most of the screen untouchable. But the camera worked, and with a little trouble, I could get the photos onto my laptop to use, but when I went to upload the pictures of the birth, I couldn’t do it. My DSLR camera broke last year as well, so I was in tears not being able to take pictures of the little guy.

So I got a new Galaxy 10e. The quality is amazing (better than my old phone and the DSLR which is 12 years old). Can’t wait to get more pictures of this sweet boy.

Heaven Can’t Wait – Chapter 28

<< Chapter Twenty-Seven | Table of Contents | Chapter Twenty-Nine >>


Chapter Twenty-Eight – There’s More Going On

When she’s finally done with Harper, Abby wheels her supply cart over to their table. “You two are my last patients.” She grins. “Until the next catastrophe anyway.”

Bellamy laughs, but he feels her stress. It’s always one thing after another on the ground. If they go longer than a week without an emergency, he’s shocked.

Abby turns her smile to Heaven. “Well, don’t you look adorable. I love the hair.” Her fingers skim over Heaven’s head then she pulls back the bangs.

“Oh, here,” Bellamy says, fishing the barrette out of his pocket. He tries to clip back her hair, but Heaven takes it out almost immediately.

Abby goes still, sparking Bellamy’s anxiety. “What? What’s wrong?”

A second later, Abby shakes herself out. “Nothing. Everything’s fine. Just a memory from another time. They sneak up on you sometimes.”

Bellamy doesn’t know what she means, but it’s obvious she doesn’t want to talk about it. His pulse slows now that his heart isn’t leaping into his throat. He needs to get a grip. Read more…


As if my life isn’t stressful enough, my husband brought home a puppy twelve days ago. A puppy!


I am not a dog person. At all. And we already have four cats. As much as I love cats, they’re already driving me nuts wanting in and out of my room all hours of the night. Especially Bellamy since his injury–he just likes to let me know how unhappy he is that we won’t let him outside anymore.

Now we have a dog. And guess who gets to take care of her?

Read more…

Happy Mother’s Day

Today is Mother’s Day in the US, Canada, and a bunch of other countries.

Don’t forget to call up your mom (or that special woman that is like a mother to you) and tell her how much you love her. *

I wish I could, but my mother died over sixteen years ago. If I could go back in time…

So Happy Mother’s Day to my mom (who is no longer with me):

me and mom at uncle denny's

Me and my mom in 1985 (I think–I was about 8)

And Happy Mother’s Day to my mother-in-law, Kay (who we lost in March):


Kay and Jack (3 weeks old) in 2010

And I guess, Happy Mother’s Day to me!

(Christmas Eve 2016–trying to get a nice picture of all five of them is like trying to nail jell-o to the wall.)

*Unless your mother is/was a abusive bitch–then call the “mother” in your life–whether she’s an aunt, a grandmother, a friend, or the old lady down the street. Whomever she may be–let her know how much you appreciate her being in your life.


This Is the Best Day Ever!


Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but it’s been a good day.

First, I had an all-time record number of words. 16,236 words to be exact. Of course, I haven’t slept in almost 36 hours. But 16k!

Second, 100 day streak! Yeah, baby.

Third, I finally got my dream minivan!



I’ve wanted a Town & Country for years. I figured some day I’d settle for a late model Dodge Grand Caravan which is the “poor” man’s version of the T&C. Well, after the truck broke down, my husband had no choice but to buy a new vehicle to get everyone home.

They told me they were getting me a “Susan,” which is what we named the rental we got years ago. I was excited, although anxious about new car payments after just buying a house. But what are ya going to do?

They finally get home, and I’m shocked to not just see my Town & Country, but the thing is flippin’ fully loaded. DVD player, Sirius (which isn’t hooked up), leather seats, imitation wood trim, all sorts of fancy buttons and dials.

Now I really, really don’t want to know what he paid for this or how we’re going to afford the monthly bills. Yikes.

I’m not sure what year the T&C is, but it is, by far, the nicest, most expensive vehicle I’ve ever owned. I get to drive it tomorrow. Squee! The kids want to call it “Destiny,” since it was apparently our destiny to break down there and buy her. I’m secretly going to call her “Felicity.”

Oh, and fourth, my family finally made it home from their adventure. Three days late. But that’s not important because minivan!

I’m kidding. I missed them, and was getting worried. I just didn’t miss the noise and mess. They’ve been home four and a half hours, and already I’m exhausted.

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