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my random ramblings about crafts, writing, books and kids

Archive for the tag “loss of a parent”

crying over TV

I admit I’m a TV junkie.  I like good TV, though.  I want a show that sucks me in and makes me really care for the characters.  I want to feel what they are feeling.

Very few shows really pull me that far into their world.  Most I fall in love with for various reasons and I like the show because it’s funny or has memorable lines and the characters are interesting and silly or whatever but certain shows just really get me.

A couple weeks ago I was watching Lost and I got to the episode where the freighter blows up taking Gin with it.  I actually screamed (well, not a full scream because it was the middle of the night and I didn’t want to wake people, more like a very loud gasp) and then I burst into tears.  I cried for several minutes.

I cried during the season finale of House in the spring, too.  Watching the characters deal with Amber’s death was heart-wrenching.  Same with Bones.  I teared up when Zack admitted he was the killer and couldn’t bare to watch that episode again for weeks.  It was just too painful.

Now another show sucked me in: One Tree Hill.  It’s not really the kind of show I watch normally.  I kind of outgrew the major teen dramas in college (besides Veronica Mars) but after watching Lost I needed to find something different to watch.

A friend of mine really likes the show and I know it is popular so I checked it out.  After watching the 1st season I was interested.  I was starting to like the characters and really loathing some of them (because that is what you are supposed to do).

Well I’m half way through season 3 and I’m devestated.  I haven’t cried this hard in months, not since my seperation.  If you’ve seen the show you probably know I’m talking about Keith’s death.  That whole episode was sad and I didn’t cry only when Keith died.  I cried through most of it.  The kid that went on the rampage…that was so sad.  I was that kid.  I was the invisible kid in school, just skating by–happy to be ignored most of the time.

I was the kid that went home and cried myself to sleep because I couldn’t understand why people disliked me so much or cared so little. I was the kid that had to learn not to care, to be flippant and uninterested in other people.  “Whatever” became my catch phrase because I didn’t want to care any more.  It was the only way to survive.

And I did survive.  There was a little speech in one of the scenes about how the point of high school is to just survive and go on with your life.  I think I figured that out back then, sometime mid-sophomore year.  One more day over was one less day I had to spend in school.  And now as an adult looking back, it doesn’t seem so bad.  All the things teens find important usually don’t matter in the end.

Anyway, I watched that episode and the next with a heavy heart.  I cried and cried and felt all the pain the characters were feeling.  I graduated high school 13 years ago and that one episode brought back a lot of old feelings and pain.  Watching characters deal with a death of a loved one brought back all the hurt and confusion of losing my mom 8 years ago.  Then there was the pain I felt being seperated from my husband.  That was the freshest pain of all.  He might not have been dead but the stages you go through when you grieve are the same.

The denial, the anger, the guilt, the depression…they are all the same.  I felt them all in the 6 weeks he was gone.  Right down to the acceptance.  The only difference between a seperation and a death is with the seperation there is a chance to make ammends.  Just days after accepting that things were over and he wasn’t coming home, that I would have to live my life without him–he called and begged to come home.

Six weeks doesn’t sound like much now but it was an eternity back then.  I didn’t think I was strong enough to go on, but I did.  Just like I didn’t think I was strong enough to go on after my mom died, but I did.  Just like I didn’t think I was strong enough to get through high school and junior high (which was 10 times worse then high school), but I did.

Makes me worry about my kids.  In just 6 years my oldest will be off to high school.  Two years after that my son will join her and the year after that my middle daughter will be a freshman.  I’ll have 3 kids trying to navigate the insanity.  That’s a scary thought.

Okay, I’m rambling yet again.  All this silly nostalgia over a TV show.  All the tears over a TV show.  All the memories…

Now that’s good TV.

scrapbook page of the day

Here’s a page I did in memory of my mother for Mother’s Day.  My mom died on August 19, 2000.  The anniversary of her death his next week.  It’s hard to imagine it has been 8 years since I spoke to her or saw her smile.  She has missed so much.  August is always a hard time of the year with all the memories that come flooding in, especially now that I’m living in her house again.  She is everywhere.

Brenna, my 5 1/2 year old, just came in this morning and asked if I was sad when my mom died.  I have no idea what brought up the topic.  She never knew my mom and I don’t really talk about her (I know my dad does, though, but he doesn’t talk much about her death).  It was just so odd.

My mom was just 51 years old and died of a stroke.  She had her first stroke when I was in high school (I think around 1994) but it was misdiagnosed.  Then she had her 2nd on in 2000, just days before my oldest daughter was born (in June).  On August 17, 2000, she went in to have surgery to unblock an artery in her neck to stop the strokes (the ones she had were minor and only caused temporary paralysis and confusion).  She ended up having a small stroke on the operating table, woke up afterwards confused and only long enough to ask my dad for some water then slipped into a coma.  They rushed her back into surgery that night and she had a massive stroke while in the OR and never woke up from her coma.  She was pronounced brain dead on Saturday, August 19, 2000 at the age of 51.

The last time I spoke to her was August 17 as she was leaving for the hospital.  I told her “see you later” and wasn’t planning on visiting her until the next morning when she was feeling better.  The next time I saw her she was just a shell with no brain function…she was dead.  It’s hard to think about sometimes.  And I regret every day I didn’t tell her I loved her and didn’t get to tell her how much I would miss her and didn’t take a picture of her in the hospital because I thought people would think I was morbid but she looked so beautiful even hooked to every machine known to man.

I think this page was done for a scraplift but I don’t remember now.  I really like the layout and red and hearts.

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