So, I really thought I would use this blog to work on my NaNo entry this year. Previously I utilized my NaNo blog a lot, keeping track of ideas and plot twists and just generally working out kinks by brainstorming online. But this year…I didn’t need it.
I learned a lot doing NaNo this year and it is by far the best of my attempts. I’m sitting at 45514 right now with the end in sight. I’m actually going to win, barring a major catastrophy in my life. The story is a shambles, though. I finally learned how to just write to get it done and worrying about the quality after the fact. So there are huge chunks of plot missing. Some scenes just end abruptly because I realized I was getting bogged down in the details so I would skip to something I could write. The night before last I did that twice because I was so tired I couldn’t concentrate on the scene I was working on.
I also ended the story that night. I knew it was running long. I had originally worried I wouldn’t be able to get the story to 50k. Now it’s going to go way, way over which is good. But Chris Baty (in one of his email pep talks) talked about ending the story just to be done with it. In other words: skip ahead and write the last chapter because there is some psychological advantage of actually having a “finished” story. You are more likely to actually finish it for real if you have the ending already down. I believe he is 100% correct. I have a lot of editing to do, though. I don’t think I’m going to do that in December, though. In fact, I think I’m going to stash this thing in the proverbial drawer for a few months because I’m ready to pull my hair out, lol. I never wanted to be finished with something more then this story. I’m so ready for November to be over because I am beyond stressed which leads into Thanksgiving.
Great segue, huh?. Thanksgiving…my favorite holiday. Why? Because it’s a beautiful celebration of family togetherness and… Oh, who am I kidding. I love the holiday because of the food. It has always been my favorite and because of that I go all out even though it is just us-me, hubby, the kids and my dad, just like any other meal.
The problem is we all have this romantacized version of reality in our memories. When I look back on my childhood I remember things through rose colored glasses and Thanksgiving…it was always perfect. The food was always ready and hot and delicious and we were all happy. I know, intellectually, that isn’t true. Stuff was never done on time, something was always burnt and my mom was so frazzled that she couldn’t eat and would just pick at her food.
So what do I do? Get myself all worked up trying to put on this “perfect” ideal Thanksgiving meal, just like my mom and I end up in tears. Yes, I was crying today. Not just once but twice I broke down into tears. Which leads me to missing mom.
It wasn’t only Thanksgiving but it was also my mom’s birthday. She would have been 60 years old. Unfortunetely she died 8 years ago, a few months before turning 52. I was only 23 and I don’t think I ever really mourned. I was in shock for a long time, just going through the motions. My dad was a mess, my brother was a wreck and I had a newborn to take care of. My emotions pretty much shut down and I was on auto pilot for weeks afterwards, trying to take care of everyone else.
I remember those first holidays being tought but I got through because I just turned it all off. I stopped feeling anything and tried not to think about what was missing. As I get older I realize I can’t keep doing that and I have to deal with the sadness eventually so every year, with every holiday I let a little more out. I started scrapping about her and how much I miss her. Every year on Mother’s Day and her birthday I make some pages about her. It really does help.
But this year, with her birthday falling on a major holiday, it just overwhelmed me. I couldn’t put a finger on why I felt so anxious and ill at the beginning of the week and then it hit me on Wednesday why. It was because of her birthday. It was because it was blatently obvious that she wasn’t here this Thanksgiving and suddenly I felt all this pressure to make this perfect dinner for everyone in her honor. I felt that if it didn’t turn out perfect I was letting her down, even though, at the same time, I knew that none of her dinners ever turned out perfect and yet I still enjoyed them.
At one point my husband, as his habit, started teasing me about something. I just couldn’t take it any more. I yelled at him and tried to continue cooking but it was too much. I just turned and walked into my room, shut the door and climbed into bed. I thought he would come after me like he normally does but he just went back to playing video games. That was fine with me because I didn’t want to hear how I was putting all this on myself. I cried into my pillow for a good 10 minutes until I calmed down.
Then, just as we were getting ready to serve dinner, I broke down again. This time right in front of him. It just all came crashing down. And the crazy thing was…dinner turned out nearly perfect. Almost all of the food was hot, the turkey was perfect, the mashed potatoes extra buttery, the rolls hot and on the table. I’d say it was 90% perfect. Yet I couldn’t shake the uneasy, sad feeling. I haven’t felt this down in months. I just miss her so much right now.
And that leads me to the last portion of this entry. A layout.
Technically I’m not supposed to post this yet. The products I used won’t be in the store until later tonight I think but I need to put it up. Hopefully they will forgive me.
It’s a pretty simple page. I wanted to keep the focus on my mom. The picture was taken in the early 70s after my parents started dating. They were on a camping trip. My mom was about 23/24 in the picture.
The kit I used is called “El-naturelle” by Opal Scraps which you should be able to find at twolittlepixels.com tonight or tomorrow (sorry Sharon but I needed some therapy tonight).